rey's ramblings

A full letter of utmost gratitude to God

Really, sometimes I do see the pressing need to have faith in God's plans for
me and rely on His strength, not mine. All too often i do the latter and i get
heavily burdened, especially when it comes to relationships.

And above all, i want to grow closer to You, first and foremost both in times
of emotional struggles and even in times of celebration and enjoyment, in which
it is always all too easy for us to forget about You and the many wonderful
things You've done for us.

I truly want to walk closer with You, develop a stronger relationship hopefully
through my quiet time with You and as crazy as it sounds, even bond with You.
and well, i feel that it's been quite a long time since i've actually sincerely poured out
my gratitude to the great and wonderful God that i have, so here it is:

I really want to express my gratitude to God for having always been omniscient
and omnipotent in my life even though I am often hardly aware or conscious of it.
I wanna thank him for some of the friends he's brought into my life who motivate
and inspire me, constantly reminding me to stay on track in my life and even though
yes they are not perfect, they are also people who constantly strive to be better
and that spirit in them somehow really challenges me to follow that particular example.

I also really thank God for many things, the friends and family I have, the privileged materialistic life I can afford to lead (compared to so many of my peers around the
world) and really for developing me through the years, in many aspects: physically,
mentally and spiritually, no matter how insignificant the things might be.

There have been many improvements indeed, like for example nowadays i actually do
from time to time watch my diet, unlike last time where i'd just grab anything to eat
without even considering what I'm actually eating, for many years up til recently about
last year or so? and surprisingly, despite obviously being a healthier thing to do, it has
also helped me grow and not be as 'thin' as i used to be. i actually used to think eating
whatever junk food would help me grow more but ironically, that has never been the
case really.

and then, i've managed to find a great sport like rockclimbing which is like so damn fun
and a really great competitive challenge, helping me to scale greater heights (no pun
intended). i've never really found a sport which i felt i could do like really well in probably
due to the lack of passion, but not interest. and i always thought running would always be
my strongest suit but it wasn't really good cos often i would stop running for a while due to
the monotony of it. plus rockclimbing is helping me be more fit besides also having the
regular cardio benefit that you get from running. i really want to go overseas when i'm a
lot more experienced and do stuff like deep water solo! (which is like a climb up a cliff face
without ropes using the ocean as your crash mat) i'll be going hopefully with friends of
course(:

another issue that has improved greatly is that of time management and scheduling. i often
used to run into dilemmas, scheduling conflicts and find myself wasting or rushing for time.
but now i've learnt to plan my day and sometimes even my week ahead which has really
helped me to get a lot more things done including time for some substantial r&r here and
there. notwithstanding busy project and exam periods of course. i still do oversleep
sometimes though haha.

i also thank God for changing my personality to be more charismatic (although sometimes
i still tend to prefer to have my own personal space of course, which is important) and open
to getting to know others, as it has helped me to enlarge my circle of friends. which is a
good thing in itself and also because by getting to know people from many walks of
life, you get to learn some things, like valuable insights, and glean perspective instead of
developing a biased, partial and narrow mindset when you always stick with like-minded people. it helps me not to get so easily blinded by certain ways of thinking and to be able
to adapt when i come across different situations wherever i go. most importantly, often it
does help you to discover what you really want and what's best for you.

last but not least, i really want to thank God for having put me in a place where i can grow
spiritually and really feel Your presence during times of worship and prayer. it is indeed
so different from previous churches where i'd struggle and often backslide because of
lack of interest and really not feeling comfortable. i wanna thank you for my great cell
leaders who are willing to hear any of my problems anytime i call them up and a zone
in which although i've not been around long or have got deep roots in, still makes me
feel comfortable spiritually and unknowingly sometimes even socially.

While i know that i'm still far from being entirely perfect, through the positive changes
and experiences i've had the past couple of years in my life which have really been like
somewhat a re-awakening to a certain extent and also a self-discovery of sorts, i'll
definitely want to strive to bring glory to Your name by doing well for You with Your
blessing, especially the primary objective would be to do well in my studies but also in
the other areas of my life! oh Lord, i want to continue to walk with You all the days of
my life and to make you ever more the centre of my life. i really pray that You continue
to watch over me and even my friends and family as well, through stormy and sunny
weather alike (: Amen.

Reynard!

I crossed the bridge at 1:31 AM

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

well. i'd just like to state this in as much a matter-of-fact as it is and since you'd
expect me to listen to what you have to say, likewise hear this too:

i need you to know that foremost, the purpose of my post is to vent any anger
or emotions that i have about this incident and speak our thoughts, which i wouldn't
think is very different from many of us, who likewise do so?

now i know its important to reinforce that God is standing by you, but whatever it is,
please know that God is on everyone's side except for Satan and his followers. so
let's not talk about whose side he's on especially when it comes to matters such as these.

not all christians are perfect, yes. in fact, none. but i dont know where you got that
i was saying or hinting that.

i did not mention this to anyone who did not already know the whole situation.
and i believe these are the people who also prefer to remain neutral to this issue.
also, i only referred to you on my blog as an anonymous person just like you did
on yours.

i wasn't bragging that you were the bad one. let's face it that we are all human
and when these conflicts arise, it's very hard not to say things in a way that
sounds like we are right, especially at this stage.
i mean, im coming from my perspective and im obviously angry so why would
it sound like im the bad one instead? but nevertheless i did not have the intention
of bragging that you were the bad one. this is just my own private train of thought
and it may have come across that way.

i did not accept the entire blame but let's not look at it as an issue of blame. in
terms of responsibility i did take up what i believe i was responsible for. i believe
so did you. btw, if you felt that by me posting this i was still indirectly blaming you,
then how do you think i felt when likewise even after you apologised, in your posts,
you still kept referring to me in an insulting manner?

let's say if i get into an argument with someone and afterwards i apologise by saying
"hey you loser, im sorry!" is that really an apology? one reason why i felt you were
insincere was because if you read again your previous posts, especially the prayer one,
even in it you were still demeaning the people you were PRAYING for. just read the
first line alone and you'll understand what i'm saying.

i'll stop arguing, in fact i believe i already have for some time. but that doesnt stop me
from reasoning, which is what im doing now and which is also what you were doing on
your blog. reasoning is arguing without the harsh and uncivilised manner.

while i have all this to say, i also want you to know that i do remember and take note
those good times you were referring to. and its not that i dont appreciate them.
but since this is an appropriate time to air things, let me say this: there might have
been times i have taken forgranted although i believe those were mostly actually quite
long ago. but would you believe if i were to say that likewise there've been times i've been
taken forgranted too? and mostly these are times that are unnoticeable, and up til now
i have not said anything about.

so while on one hand yes, it's not like some of you have done nothing or not made a good
effort in trying like doing all those things you said in point 5 but please do realise
that many times as well that i've been taken forgranted, underappreciated or overlooked
and these take place especially when you guys are in moments of cliquish-ness and don't
notice those outside of the clique. which is why i feel strongly about this and which actually
also links back to why i voiced my frustrations at first because i'm not just speaking for myself but i believe also some others who might have felt the same way. while i understand the tag
and the way i came across was not right, i believe the underlying message wasn't wrong
either. so if its a 2-way thing, i hope you guys try to listen to what i have to say as well. it is
perfectly fine to be close friends and be proud (but not arrogant) of it, but i think there
are many examples out there of excellent close friendships that do not have to be cliquish.

also, i hope you understand that while i'm not usually the impolite and brash type of person.
i hope you don't assume that i'm the kind who can be walked over and be told what to do.
i may not be rebellious but at the same time that doesn't mean i'm a compliant kind of person
who has no opinions. (but at the same time that does not mean i dont make the best of
efforts to be reasonable and go the extra mile sometimes)

well, thanks for voicing it out. in fact, there are a certain few that i'm actually very open
to telling me things directly and for some i wish they would do it more often or to put it
in another way: when there is a need to, just to tell me and not wait for things to build
up to a certain point then blow it on me. i always believe open and honest communication
is a very important tool we underestimate. even if you're afraid that what you say might
be something i strongly do not agree with, at least if you tell me in a non-confrontational
way, there can always be discussion and a conclusion we can come to.

i also hope that you do know you can always do away with the name-calling. it's just not
a very mature way to go about settling things, which i can sense you are trying now. i'm
telling you this to try to help you improve likewise cos such a thing would really be a benefit
to your character. and it's really not about trying to bring you down.

about the calling you up thing, its not about being petty or anything. its just that sometimes
im busy or need to get some time away for a while. i believe you do go through all this
"needing some time" thing as well right? yeah. to clear things up a bit. but when the
time's right, i will initiate. anyway, i believe this whole post is really quite a lot of settling
already.

anyway, i just want to thank you for taking the first step and i do appreciate the points
in which you apologised and tried to reconcile as well although i cant address each and
every of them here.

i just hope that you do note that i can be a very vocal person (sometimes) which is why
i'll try to be equally receptive of any of you being vocal, so long as it's in a non-confrontational
way.

if there's anything you'd like to say, i hope you can perhaps keep it to the next time
when we settle. but yeah, i hope there is nothing much left to get our tempers flared up.

regards,
reynard

I crossed the bridge at 10:56 PM

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Changes

to me, in life we're either moving forward or going in circles.

and to me recently it seems i've been doing so much of the latter. is it the
circumstances, is it the other people, or is it just me?

i used to have an uncle who'd tell me that it's not just the good things you do.
sometimes just that singular bad thing you do or a characteristic of you, can
simply overshadow everything else. and so what can you do when others can't
see everything else? you'll feel pretty helpless right?

but let's not debate about whether i've been forcefully shaped by external forces or
whether it's been solely my decisions or a mix of both that has been the cause.
i think it's quite irrelevant what's led me here.

maybe the important question now is "what do i do?"

sometimes trying again, do i really change? even if i think i have. perhaps it wasn't
enough? the problem is that one part of me doesn't want to change so drastically i
can't even recognise myself anymore. i still love the part of me that is me. or perhaps
i should try a different tact and perhaps it's nt THAT part of me which i have to change
but something else? or the method that i should adopt in changing?

it is ironic isn't it? that we always say the hard part is thinking of what's the best
course of action next when in reality, it's how we ever put it into action when we
are out there.

sometimes, at home in your room has never felt safer and more comfortable. like a refuge.

so, should i try again?

i'll pray o Lord, that you'll change me, mould me to love unconditionally and be a shining
example for You. give me the clarity of vision to make the right choices and the strength
to do them. i trust in You.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe

-Reynard

I crossed the bridge at 2:38 PM

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